


someone you could not be

by scepticallyopenminded



Series: 30 Day Lyrics Challenge - 2017 [17]
Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Coffee Shops, Communication Failure, F/F, Getting Back Together, Hurt Rosa, Post-Break Up, Talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-17
Updated: 2017-12-17
Packaged: 2019-02-16 07:02:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13048947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scepticallyopenminded/pseuds/scepticallyopenminded
Summary: “Thanks for coming,” Amy said, setting her messenger bag on the seat next to her and looking up at Rosa. Rosa looked back, swallowing around the lump in her throat and nodding. She wasn’t sure why she was here, but when Amy’d asked “Get coffee with me?” after seeing each other for the first time in months, Rosa couldn’t say no. She hadn’t even thought about it, just nodded as fast as she could, class forgotten, and they’d walked to the nearest café right after.





	someone you could not be

**Author's Note:**

> a sequel to [we kiss on the mouth (but still cough down our sleeves)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/12929115)
> 
> from Leaky Breaks by Manchester Orchestra:
> 
> "And I blamed you for not being/Someone you could not be someone you'll never be"
> 
> this ship is quickly becoming one of my faves to write tbh though I really wanna do a Jamy fic sometime during this challenge too but damn I love Rosa. k thanks.

Rosa looked down into her coffee (black with just a splash of caramel syrup), listening to the soft sounds of other patrons of the café, some clacking away at their keyboards and some talking to their friends. There was a song playing in the background that she vaguely recognized but couldn’t name. A moment later, Amy sat down across from her with her own drink (and Rosa didn’t need to look to know it was an Americano with soy and exactly one packet of stevia).

“Thanks for coming,” Amy said, setting her messenger bag on the seat next to her and looking up at Rosa. Rosa looked back, swallowing around the lump in her throat and nodding. She wasn’t sure why she was here, but when Amy’d asked “Get coffee with me?” after seeing each other for the first time in months, Rosa couldn’t say no. She hadn’t even thought about it, just nodded as fast as she could, class forgotten, and they’d walked to the nearest café right after.

 “I just – wanted to say I’m sorry. Again,” Amy started, and Rosa nearly rolled her eyes.

 “You’ve already said that. Multiple times,” Rosa reminded her. She didn’t want to hear “I’m sorry” anymore. It wasn’t helpful, it wasn’t helping either of them. Amy nodded.

“Y’know, I never really, uh, told you. Why.”

“I don’t care,” she bit out. Amy looked at her, eyes wide, but Rosa – she didn’t need to hear about what had driven Amy away, didn’t want to feel worse about herself than she already did.

 “I know it’s not fair to make you sit through this when _I’m_ the one that left, and if you want to leave, you can, but – if you can, just listen? For me.”

And _damn_ , but those were clearly tears forming in Amy’s eyes. Rosa had never been good with Amy crying, with anyone crying, but if Amy was crying _now_ , at least that meant it was real because Amy didn’t just cry easily. She nodded after a moment, gripping her cup tighter.

“I had this image of myself at twenty when I was younger,” Amy started, leaning forward onto the table, “Of who I would be, who I would be _with_. At first it was all boys, I had this massive crush on this boy in my grade and I always thought he would be it but, uh. By the time I was thirteen I was aware that I was into girls as much, and so this image became some gender-ambiguous person who just…loved me. Who I loved and wanted to marry.”

Rosa didn’t know what to say, but Amy paused, finally looking back up at her and her eyes were still wet, but she didn’t look on the verge of sobbing anymore, at least. Before Rosa could decide to say anything or not, Amy was speaking again.

“Anyway, though, I had a pretty specific version of who I was with. They would be wonderful and smart and fun to be around and.”

Amy stopped again, for a moment, eyebrows going toward each other and looking directly at Rosa and Rosa _got_ it.

“And I wasn’t that,” she said, and Amy shook her head quickly, laughing, but it was a sad laugh.

“No, no, no you were _all_ of that. _Are_ all of that. And this person would never try to change me, would actually love me for all the stupid things I was. I used to get made fun of all the time for being so organized, for being such a teacher’s pet just because I liked things done the way they were supposed to be done and I always imagined that this person would love me _in spite_ of all that, or even _because_ of all that.”

Rosa could tell Amy was getting agitated, worked up, because she was talking with her hands. She stopped, again, pulling her hair back into a ponytail like she did when she was nervous. Rosa sat back herself, her hands in her jacket and it was _her_ nervous gesture. She watched Amy’s eyes track the movement.

“And you did. You never tried to change me. But the same was said for me to you. I told myself that I would never try to change whoever I fell in love with because I wouldn’t want them to change me. And…therein lies the problem.”

“You want to change me,” Rosa asked flatly, and Amy shook her head again.

“No, no. Not…not really. Just.” Amy waved her hand, as if waving away all of that. “That was a bad way of putting it. I love everything about you, from the way you can name every classical song that we’ve ever heard together off the top of your head, and the quiet contemplation you watch Pixar movies with, and the weird hatred you have for Starbucks and Walmart. But the…do you remember the first time you said you loved me?”

It felt off topic, but Rosa remembered that moment _fondly_ , and it felt good to think about that now instead of – everything else.

“We were eighteen. It was just after we told each other we’d both gotten into CUNY.”

“We were so happy we were going to the same school, staying her in the City,” Amy continued, sounding wistful, “And you looked at me and just said ‘I love you’ and it was wonderful. You told me it and you sounded amazed and in love and.

“It was the last time you ever said that with any emotion. It was one of the only times you’ve ever said anything to me with any emotion. I know you love me and I know you care but you just use _words_ , you almost never show me and do you know how hard it is to date someone who just doesn’t show emotion that often?”

Rosa swallowed, the words hitting her like ice shards because she knew she didn’t show emotion very often, in fact Amy was right she almost never did. But it still hurt to hear that, especially when she realized that was why Amy had broken her heart, broken up with her and left, and until now she hadn’t said _anything_.

“You never told me,” she said roughly, heart in her throat and she was angry, too, disappointed.

“I didn’t want to change you,” Amy whispered, and her knuckles were turning white from grasping onto her coffee mug, “I never expected you change to me, and I didn’t want to make you someone you aren’t.”

“I can’t do anything if you don’t tell me what’s wrong,” Rosa argued. She _loved_ Amy and trusted her and now here she was showing Rosa that she didn’t think they could even talk about this, about their relationship.

“I know. Especially now, because Gina has been _hounding_ me about it.” And oh, Rosa thanked god for Gina right then; a good friend of hers from childhood, she’d met Amy through Rosa and though their friendship was more ‘bickering all the time’, she was a loud voice of reason for Amy through everything.

“That’s why I’m glad I saw you today. Because I…it’s my fault that we didn’t talk about that. And I want to. But I also want. _You_. I want to try again.”

That was unfair, and Rosa was about to point it out when Amy continued.

“And I know that’s not fair to ask of you. But I want you to know that I want to try again because I love you and I don’t know that I ever won’t love you. Obviously, I need to work on communicating better. So, it’s your decision. If you’ll have me and we can try again I’ll happily do it and work on whatever I need to work on. Because I miss you, so, so much.”

Amy took a drink of her coffee before meeting Rosa’s eyes and Rosa couldn’t help it.

“Let me think about it,” she reasoned, both with herself and with Amy. Amy smiled, and it was as it always has been the most beautiful smile Rosa had ever seen.

“I’ll wait as long as you need,” Amy said.

And Rosa had been hurt. Badly, she knew, but she also knew that as many issues as she had, Amy did too. And it would take a long time – lots of talking, probably – and they both had issues they needed to work on, things they didn’t think about because they’d been dating since sixteen years old and never experienced a real relationship outside of their own.

But she loved Amy, and Amy loved her, and that was. Most of what mattered. If they could work on themselves, and on their relationship, Rosa could see this being the rest of her life.

She smiled back, the feeling foreign on her face after so many months of feeling desolate, alone.

The love of her life was back, and she saw a future stretched out in front of her once again.

 

**Author's Note:**

> find me at [asocialfoxpaw](http://asocialfoxpaw.tumblr.com)
> 
> don't post my stuff on goodreads or like sites thanks!


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